Pushing

we've been trying something a little different this tour
we've been looking at one of our songs from a different angle
under a different light
so we can hopefully kinda almost see it for the first time
we'd like to try that for you tonight, is that okay?
we're gonna need your help though
we're gonna need your help and your permission
so we need you to find a comfortable space
that is not only comfortable but vulnerable
i want you to shut your eyes and go there
and we'll meet you on the other side..

saw the gap again today, while you were begging me to stay
take care not to make me enter, if i do we both may disappear

saw the gap again today, while you were begging me to stay
managed to push myself away, and you as well my dear
and you as well, pushed you away my dear

i will choke until I swallow, choke this infant right before me
what are you but my reflection?
who am i to judge or strike you down?
who am i to judge or strike you down?
but you're pushing me, and i'm shoving you
and your pushing me, and i'm shoving you

rest your trigger on my finger, bang my head upon the fault line
you better take care not to make me enter, if i do we both may disappear
if i do we both may disappear

but you're pushing me, and i'm shoving you
and you're pushing me, and i'm shoving you
you still love me, you still love me
you still love me, you still love me
and were pushing and were shoving
and i'm pushing as you're shoving

and i'm slipping back into the gap again, i feel alive when you touch me.
i feel alive when you hold me.. down

slipping back into you, slipping back into you

i am somewhere i don't wanna be, put me somewhere i don't wanna be
push me somewhere i don't wanna be, seeing someplace i don't wanna see
never wanna see that place again..

saw the gap again today, while you were begging me to stay
managed to push myself away, and you as well my dear
if, when i say i might fade like a sigh if i stay,
you minimize my movement anyways, i must persuade you another way
pushing and shoving and pushing and shoving and pushing me
there's no love in fear

staring down the hole again, hands are on my back again
survival is my only friend, terrified of what may come

remember i will always love you, as i claw your fucking throat away
it will end no other way, it will end no other way.

(From 'Pushit', by Tool)

Option

why can't we just be sober
why can't we talk things over
find a way to steal the sun from the sky

did things that i had to do
did the thoughts ring true
find a way to mend broken wings and fly

another face lost in the crowd
another one goes never found
find a way for the future so gotta try

despite the writing on the wall
despite me trying to stand tall
find a way to keep moving and smile wry

i have no regrets you were a goner
i pulled you out of your corner
find a way to not miss the well run dry

dying cries have asked me how
dying eyes have consumed me now
find a way to kill what's done and die

Haiku

The walls crumbling down,
A couple of days changing all.
Now there is nothingness.

Having been erased,
Those feelings I seek again
May not come again.

Two hearts believe love,
Believe the hope it gave them.
Now belief is gone.

I change and you change.
Amidst both of us changing,
We both lose and die.

Door ajar wind blows,
Knife swishes there's a drip drip,
Is there an afterlife?

Voicemail

hello! i hope you know why i'm calling
yes, may i please speak to your soul
i'm holding on even though i'm falling
is the reality supposed to be this cold

are you there? can you even hear me
i don't understand what's happening
this definitely isn't how it was to be
what's going on now is so saddening

how did things all become so wrong
we had already been through worse
i thought they made us more strong
it's like we fell under a crazy curse

to err is human and to forgive divine
we made mistakes but came through
although the fault was entirely mine
now i do know all that i should not do

i have cut and bled from my mistakes
burned and scarred i shall remember
that i am willing to do all that it takes
to get one more chance for us forever

give me a call when you settle things
when you have calmed and collected
that space and the time away brings
i'll be waiting, humble and dissected.

Still

My girl she had taught me well; Told me that I was young
Hon, your life's an open book; Don't close it before it's done
The brightest flame burns quickest; Is what I heard her say
A man's heart owed to her; But must I find my way?

Let my heart go.. Let your man grow
Honey let my heart go.. Or let this heart be still

Rebel my new last name; Wild blood in my veins
Red streaks down my arm; The mark that still remains
Left home at an early age; For what I heard was wrong
Even when I asked forgiveness; But what I said is done?

Let my heart go.. Let your man grow
Honey let my heart go.. Or let this heart be still

Honey now where is my home; I'm not all you wished of me
But a woman's love for her man; Unspoken, help me be
I took your love for granted; And all the things you said to me
I need your arms to welcome me; But is a cold stone all I see?

Never I asked of you and never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness, that i'll take to my grave
Never I asked of you and never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness, that i'll take to my grave
So let this heart be still

(adapted from 'Mama Said' - Metallica)

Desolation

the line between rapture and agony is as thin as that between falling and flying.
efforts you are told rarely go to waste so you have to keep on trying and trying.
when all seems lost and seems nothing's left it's because there really is nothing.
the closer you are to having all the easier it becomes to lose every single thing.

if you hear indifference in the voice and the ice in the heart then it's really true.
you think and know she was really the one but you can wish until you turn blue.
look back on every little thing you did and said for every action gets its due.
space and time become elements of cold void and all you have to blame is you.

no matter how compatible all it takes is to succumb to that single bad stance.
feel all five stages of grief the denial anger bargaining depression acceptance.
sinking away in dejection drowning in alcoholic daze shredded by guilt's lance.
nothing to live for knowing that it might have been the one and only chance.

Forward

sometimes what seems like a loss is not a loss at all
when all seems lost there always remains a way forward
sometimes the hurt is not the feeling of hurt at all
no matter how much you hurt you have to look forward
sometimes you know the pain is not a bad pain at all
for the pain makes you stronger and come back forward
sometimes this indifference is not indifference at all
overcome the indifference the stronger we head forward
sometimes space away is not lost time and space at all
the space between us turns around and takes us forward
sometimes we don't try then we don't even try at all
but when we try together then we are carried forward
sometimes love from the soul is love that overcomes all
the love that binds our spirits and we move on forward

One

i lost myself, lost the person i used to be
the realization, then came and struck me
so pure, such a pure girl that you were
was i too late, too late this time for her

one chance, once more
one try again to adore

the feelings, she said they were no more
overcome, they wouldn't be like before
i broke down, but nothing seemed left
and my hope, it seemed all so bereft

one chance, once more
one knock at the door

these lights, that would never be relit
jigsaw puzzle pieces, they always fit
how do i, bring them all together again
i am, i am, the single epitome of pain

one chance, once more
one flight again we soar

trying but just can't get through to you
say the word, tell me what i should do
deep inside you know, that it's there
the feelings roaming lost somewhere

one chance, once more
one love just as before

and i'll sell my self-esteem, my soul
one dollar at a time, out of this hole
yes i'm selling my self, and my soul
for one word, one kiss and one love

Feel

yes he swore to love forever
but then never saw the red of blood
until he felt the cold steel
cut into him like nothingness itself
a love that lingered on and on
i don't care what they said about me
i cared what you felt about me
life has come this way turned my way
so she walked away in honesty
but my rapture all just fell to pieces
and my world was destroyed
cos of the way i had become this time

the sharp knife found arteries
tasted the tang of bitter blood spilled
gave me the pain the suffering
i swear i heard the voice of my jesus
but it was all too late this time
it was too late to save this man's blood
as it dripped red on the carpet
the life ebbed away in vain at 2.20 am
again and again i stabbed away
it left crimson trails slithering down
overcome by this helplessness
lifted another drink, cigarette and knife

slicing away this broken shell
cutting into the inner core until he cried
shivering with cold and shock
suffering the pain caused a hundredfold
plunging depths unkown to man
loving to a degree that ill becomes death
feeling the iron taste of blood
falling in my own eyes into the abyss
remembering the cold dread
believing that this indeed was the end
watching the red streaks
loving a love that was not nearly enough

Time

the heavy minutes of the day do not pass
two hands of the clock move as if pained
hours in between roil in a seething mass
hours faded away moments just waned
if i can't sleep with you beside me
i'd rather not sleep at all

sleepless eyes open to herald the dawn
rolling left rolling right attempt in vain
reliving everything that's said and gone
yet another attempt to hide the pain
if i can't wake with you beside me,
i'd rather not wake at all

the little things do not mean the same
without you there's nothing left to see
hope it's not gone and no one to blame
fervent desire another chance maybe
if i can't be me with you beside me,
i'd rather not be me at all

Light

there once was a Princess sitting by the edge of a forest, taking in the view over the rolling hills that lay ahead of her like a lush green carpet rucked up by passing feet. behind her the forest loomed dark and foreboding, as if daring one to enter. such a striking contrast the scene presented, the beautiful damsel framed by the gloomy forest. it was clear sky, a beautiful spring's day, but none of those sounds penetrated the thicket. suddenly, with the sound of crackling twigs and rustling leaves there hove to view a bedraggled figure of a man. cuts crisscrossed his face and weary were his shoulders. the Princess shuddered with distaste at his appearance, but he spoke gently.

"i seek the golden phoenix's eggs that lay deep in the forest beyond" he said. she perked up at the mention of this, for she too had heard the oft-retold tale, and wanted to know if it were but a myth. the Princess was completely taken by the explorer's words. he went back to the castle with her, where they spoke loud and long about their lives. they stayed together a while and were soon quite in love.

one fine morning he asked the Princess for leave, for he had a task to complete; he had not told the Princess that he had been cursed by a wayward witch, and would not live much longer without rubbing the fragment of egg-shell over his heart-spot, in the middle of his chest. strangely enough, the Princess had encountered this very same witch, and fallen prey to this very same curse as well. her ears perked up when he spoke of his search. she too wanted to join him, but her father, the King, would not let her go.

instead, she entrusted the explorer with her magic lantern, on condition he brought back an egg for her too. this lantern was called the Light of Love, and it's legend was told over the length and breadth of the land. as long as you nourished the lantern with little twigs, it would burn bright and guide you through the darkest coven. but if you ever neglected it, it would extinguish, and like a broken candle, could not be lit again. very proud and glad to be trusted, the wanderer left gallantly to seek the eggs.

the traveler made good progress into the thicket, hacking between the twigs and bushes, for there was no path in this forest. the lantern lit up the darkness, casting strong shadows away from the circle of light. by and by he reached further and further into the forest, carefully nourishing the lantern. as time went by, the explorer discovered that he could not seem to find the eggs, though there were various nests lying around. he started getting frustrated in his search, and ranted and raved to all the trees. and he started neglecting the lantern.

disregarded, the flame began to flicker. yet the traveller took for granted that it would stay lit. intermittently he fed the flames the twigs it required. but alas, one day in a fit of rage, drowning in desperation, he kicked at the trees hemming him in, and yelled at the lantern. with a slow sizzle, the flame went out. the Princess in her castle felt a sudden whoosh of wind, and knew that the lantern was extinguished. she was filled with rage, and felt her trust had been utterly betrayed. the explorer immediately realised what he had done, but coax it as he might, the lantern would not light again. for hours he sat in the pitch black, thinking about what he had done. he was filled with remorse and anguish, but that would not light the flame again.

gradually, a change came over him. a determination washed over his heart, that he would find the eggs again. he knew he had fallen far far beneath contempt in the Princess' eyes, and wanted to redeem himself. he had lost the person that he was, and his overconfidence had led him astray. but his determination to once again find himself, the jolly outlaw that the Princess had loved and cared for, drove him to seek again for the eggs in the black forest.

awash with the courage of change, he stumbled between the shrubs. cut by the springing branches and tripping over unseen roots snaking their way underfoot, he continued to search. he had renewed hope to live, and to find the eggs. with renewed vigor in his heart and mind, he crashed through the underbrush. he would find the eggs, or else die trying.

days and nights passed, but all were the same to the explorer in the forest, for no light broke the canopy of trees. it was an unending darkest hour for him as he struggled on. just when all seemed lost, and it seemed that he would be in the forest for an eternity or more, he caught a faint glow from the corner of his eye. as if in assent, the lantern that he still carried with him flickered for a second, for the Princess still thought of him, and bode him well and a safe return. he turned and made his way encouraged by the golden aura surrounding the eggs. at the nest he paused, and gave thanks to the powers that be, and to the Princess too for her faith.

the walk back was uneventful, as the eggs lit up the way. it gave the explorer much time to ponder upon the mistakes he had made, and how close he had come to losing everything. with a smile upon his lips, he hoped his Princess would forgive him his mistakes. and even more crucially, he prayed that she would trust him again, believe what he said about having changed.

from the forest he emerged triumphantly, half-expecting the Princess would be waiting for him with joy and open arms. but she was not there, and he knew she had been hurt. over the drawbridge and into the castle he trudged manfully, his presence unacknowledged. up the winding stone staircase, and to the Princess' chambers. gently he knocked on her door, and it swung open. all was eerily quiet, with no one around. confused, he placed the eggs wrapped in a sack upon her nightstand, and left. at the local tavern he stopped to have a pint of ale, where he heard the disquieting news that the whole hamlet had in fact gone to a neighbouring town to revel the night away for their Princess was to be betrothed to a knight.

dumbstruck and heartbroken the wanderer plodded miserably to the edge of the murky moat. he stared forlornly at the water, this was not how it was supposed to end. but the impudence of this peasant, condemned to a lifetime of a lowly existence, to dream that he could ever be with the Princess. slowly he sank to his knees on the stone lip of the dark moat, daring himself one final time to topple over the edge. whence suddenly his ear caught the swish of rick silk dresses and he turned to see the Princess walking toward him, bearing the two eggs in her caring hands, and a gentle smile playing upon her angel-like countenance.

Change

seeing with these eyes that have opened up to see the light
freeing with the mind he discovered happy again to be right
but time and again he had pinpricks to burn his conscience
sublime was her touch unerringly stable was her presence

kneeling by her side he begs a forgiveness they both desire
ceiling exists in hearts shut closed burned out by the fire
the head knows not the heart a love not ours to command
the dead inside brought to life touched by her magic wand

appealing to her better side something worth fighting for
repealing the delayed verdict on risking everything more
a cry of hope that friendship shall form aphrodite's base
a try that this change shall lead the way for better days

Cold

But i'm still here in the light of the love that we had that went wrong that had all the hallmarks of going right with two separate lives that had little in common but came together to create a rapture that would destroy the belief that things could go too fast and that it was possible to run faster than the wind dragging you back scattering the ashes from the fire that was lit by passion and fanned to raging flames which turned back and consumed two lovers who had all going for them but succumbed to the story of burn out that happens when the oxygen fuelling the inferno gets too much like how too much of a good thing ends up putting out what it nurtured in the first place

But you're not here where the icy hands of time slip down my back reminding me of another time almost another life when you shook like a leaf as my lips rained down upon your body which i cannot see now it's like i'm blind for my eyes are not mine any more as they refuse to see that anything else remains for me to do and to go on for and i can feel the clock's second hand wrapped around my neck slowly ticking away and draining yet another spurt of comfort that was ill-advised for one who lived in a glass house and yet dared to play with stones but this was nothing new the boy had always bucked the trend and created smoke where there was no fire although there would be no more of that this time

But i'm still here where i can see an infant born and dipped by his mother in the pool of invincibility but alas she held him by his heart and thus infallible is a mantle he can never carry and no matter how harsh the teacher of experience and spartan the diet of practicality he remains tainted and is bound to be felled to pieces by simple things that bring suffering and absolute horror this must be a tragedy of epic proportions the kind in the legends of yore which solidify the myth that happiness is but a fleeting illusion that slips through the fingers like a silk ribbon slides over cold marble but like all works in progress there might be an ending that shall indeed be best observed with the eye-glasses bearing a rose tint

None

The spring flush was characteristic. The flowers blushed and the grass smiled green. Life thronged the verdant valley and songbirds filled the cheery air with lush ballads. The sun shone down moistly at first, but later became stronger. As summer rolled around, the songbirds sang clearly, serenading the late hours in clear night skies. The smell of dried hay mingled with barbecue smoke and tinged the stars. But as months progressed, the nights grew shorter, and the sun covered itself in a crotchetted shawl of clouds. The wind picked up and cut right through to the bone. The songbirds no longer sang, as the driving gales speckled the landscape with white. No one knew what became of the songbirds. There were some, then there was one, and then there were none.

The sandy beach was characteristic. The moist salt-laden wind ruffled its smooth starry sand into a seaside erg, filled with little barchans. The barchan was a work of wonder, a wee crescent-shaped sand dune, with two mischievous horns curving away from the wind. And during the day as the wind turned, they playfully turned too. Like a schoolground full of children playing 'Simon says..'. As evening approached, the sun's glowing orb dimmed, and cast softer orange upon the shiny white sand. The sunset over the sea was always a thing of beauty, one that would calm even the savage beast. But not all was well with this picturesque scene. As the sea rushed back in with tidal urgency, it swallowed up all the little dunes. By the dozen they perished as the water levelled them to mere mortal sand. There were some, then there was one, and then there were none.

The sweet memory was characteristic. Your toothy smile was always omniscient, as you sat across me sipping your coffee, as you scrunched up against my shoulder and we watched 'Friends', as you lay beside me with your head resting on my arm staring into my eyes. Your full lips were inviting, drawing this sailor like a siren-song. The gentle curve of your nose like a water slide propelling me into freefall into the deep pools of light in your eyes. And we talked, and we laughed. We laughed about nothing and talked about anything. Then we talked about nothing and laughed about anything. All the time we kept building these little memories. Like little pinpricks of diamond light in the black cape of sky. But late at night, in the darkest hour when only the three witches that stirred the simmering cauldron were up and about, one by one these stars were snuffed out. In their place remained little black dots as visible as a missing button on a black coat. And yet the memories kept fading away. There were some, then there was one, and then there were none.

Moved

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