May

it was a clear still night in the fickle month of may
full moon glowed pale in skies of steel blue gray
silently illuminating the speckled stardust at play
ahh serenity, deceptively you start another day

on this long road what surprises and mysteries lay
the who the what the when you meet on the way
decisions you make and the subtle prices you pay
remember the things you do and things you say

against the wind you stand strong and keep at bay
the damsels you save and the beasts you slay
or just those mundane things you do at work today
live life well for you are but made of human clay

Faith

what does it take, to not judge someone
to love and leave and to do and be done
are you going to be the one-sided judge
or is that only my lonely path to trudge
that of the nameless unknown soldier
you're only ever guilty of the first murder

they like to say that a lie is a lie when lied
but what did honesty try to say as it died?
do unto me as you'd like done unto you
see into my heart as i lay it bare true
be gentle for all the bravery stops here
maybe i'm weak and i cringe with fear

but tell me all, for i really want to know
i am a bigger man and often i'll show
what you didn't know hurts the most
it lurks and it prowls like an attic ghost
surprising you at your most securest
jumps you and puts you to the test

no this is not how it is going to end
we'll bend, we'll break and we'll mend
everything matters, and everyone tries
let no one tell you anything otherwise
but just show a little faith in me honey
cos if that's not there it ain't even funny

Beyond

speak to me
of times we never had, of things we never did
communicate your thoughts through your eyes

i heard once
it's cold beyond the sun, beyond this universe
thus i seek warmth from the fire in your eyes

when it's time
the heroes will die, pallid shadows will be cast
these scales of illusion will fall from your eyes

but it's said
words have no meaning, only used for posterity
we only ever really talk looking into your eyes

if you run
wind give you speed, bright sun give you light
i'll remember that look lingering in your eyes

Last

if i knew the last time i saw you was the last time
i would have stopped to memorise your face
and the way you move
i would have memorised how you smile
and everything about you

if i knew the last time i kissed you was the last time
i would have stopped to remember that kiss
and never let you go
i would have remembered your touch
and held on to you

Hug

when i lay down on this new bed
i toss cos sleep don't come easy
stretch out my hand to nothing
then i start to get kind of queasy

sleep isn't sleep without you beside
running but never quite reaching
dreaming dreams that are empty
will i find again what i am seeking

breathing in the scent of your hair
putting my arm round you tight
sleeping together with one pulse
snuggling into me you felt right

i whisper cute thoughts in your ear
eyes still shut on your serene face
your luscious lips smile and giggle
we hug, two jigsaw pieces in place

Consequence

when
you are so numb it's like a drug overpowering you
you don't know what to think cos your mind's blank
you cut yourself just so that you feel something
you can't believe cos hope itself has been killed

then
you lay back and let the numbness take all control
you think nothing and let the blankness be all
you see the blood drip down and feel that instead
you believe in nothing for you'll soon be dead

Insufficient

no matter how much i said to her, no matter what i said to her
it was never going to be enough
as many apologies i could muster, as many i could confess to
it wouldn't undo what was done

even if i changed the world, and lived this life all over again
it was never going to be enough
this alcohol i drown in, the deaths i die every living second
it wouldn't undo what was done

all the good times gone, entirely replaced by bitter memories
it was never going to be enough
the slate wiped clean, chalk thrown away replaced by angst
it wouldn't undo what was done

Reason

The cynic inside us says to that no one ever changes, that what a person is is how he will always be. Especially when hurt, then that is a good defense mechanism. But there is another side to it too. Sometimes, when the reason is big enough, or the cause noble enough, then people do change. All they require is that jolt. And then they require the support and belief. Even if it means going out on a ledge, they are worth it, because they have a reason. Someone with a purpose is someone who can be trusted. You don't know what you got till it's gone, but if you believe then you can have it again, and a battle won.

Shine

I followed you to the deep end, I was helpless but still you pulled me in
Now I'm caught in the tide, Lost in the eyes of envy
For whom it concerns, Some never learn

She lacerated me, and now I have nowhere to go
She lacerated me, release me from all I see
She lacerated me, She lacerated me

---------------

She's here to rescue me
Clear my mind, and set me free
If it's dark, she still shines
A masterpiece made by design
She's here to rescue me
She's my lady, so divine
Lady so divine

---------------

Jump in the water, Jump in with me
Jump on the altar, Lay down with me

The hardest question to answer
Is why

Why?

Shinedown - 'Lacerated', 'Lady So Divine', 'Save Me'

Pushing

we've been trying something a little different this tour
we've been looking at one of our songs from a different angle
under a different light
so we can hopefully kinda almost see it for the first time
we'd like to try that for you tonight, is that okay?
we're gonna need your help though
we're gonna need your help and your permission
so we need you to find a comfortable space
that is not only comfortable but vulnerable
i want you to shut your eyes and go there
and we'll meet you on the other side..

saw the gap again today, while you were begging me to stay
take care not to make me enter, if i do we both may disappear

saw the gap again today, while you were begging me to stay
managed to push myself away, and you as well my dear
and you as well, pushed you away my dear

i will choke until I swallow, choke this infant right before me
what are you but my reflection?
who am i to judge or strike you down?
who am i to judge or strike you down?
but you're pushing me, and i'm shoving you
and your pushing me, and i'm shoving you

rest your trigger on my finger, bang my head upon the fault line
you better take care not to make me enter, if i do we both may disappear
if i do we both may disappear

but you're pushing me, and i'm shoving you
and you're pushing me, and i'm shoving you
you still love me, you still love me
you still love me, you still love me
and were pushing and were shoving
and i'm pushing as you're shoving

and i'm slipping back into the gap again, i feel alive when you touch me.
i feel alive when you hold me.. down

slipping back into you, slipping back into you

i am somewhere i don't wanna be, put me somewhere i don't wanna be
push me somewhere i don't wanna be, seeing someplace i don't wanna see
never wanna see that place again..

saw the gap again today, while you were begging me to stay
managed to push myself away, and you as well my dear
if, when i say i might fade like a sigh if i stay,
you minimize my movement anyways, i must persuade you another way
pushing and shoving and pushing and shoving and pushing me
there's no love in fear

staring down the hole again, hands are on my back again
survival is my only friend, terrified of what may come

remember i will always love you, as i claw your fucking throat away
it will end no other way, it will end no other way.

(From 'Pushit', by Tool)

Option

why can't we just be sober
why can't we talk things over
find a way to steal the sun from the sky

did things that i had to do
did the thoughts ring true
find a way to mend broken wings and fly

another face lost in the crowd
another one goes never found
find a way for the future so gotta try

despite the writing on the wall
despite me trying to stand tall
find a way to keep moving and smile wry

i have no regrets you were a goner
i pulled you out of your corner
find a way to not miss the well run dry

dying cries have asked me how
dying eyes have consumed me now
find a way to kill what's done and die

Haiku

The walls crumbling down,
A couple of days changing all.
Now there is nothingness.

Having been erased,
Those feelings I seek again
May not come again.

Two hearts believe love,
Believe the hope it gave them.
Now belief is gone.

I change and you change.
Amidst both of us changing,
We both lose and die.

Door ajar wind blows,
Knife swishes there's a drip drip,
Is there an afterlife?

Voicemail

hello! i hope you know why i'm calling
yes, may i please speak to your soul
i'm holding on even though i'm falling
is the reality supposed to be this cold

are you there? can you even hear me
i don't understand what's happening
this definitely isn't how it was to be
what's going on now is so saddening

how did things all become so wrong
we had already been through worse
i thought they made us more strong
it's like we fell under a crazy curse

to err is human and to forgive divine
we made mistakes but came through
although the fault was entirely mine
now i do know all that i should not do

i have cut and bled from my mistakes
burned and scarred i shall remember
that i am willing to do all that it takes
to get one more chance for us forever

give me a call when you settle things
when you have calmed and collected
that space and the time away brings
i'll be waiting, humble and dissected.

Still

My girl she had taught me well; Told me that I was young
Hon, your life's an open book; Don't close it before it's done
The brightest flame burns quickest; Is what I heard her say
A man's heart owed to her; But must I find my way?

Let my heart go.. Let your man grow
Honey let my heart go.. Or let this heart be still

Rebel my new last name; Wild blood in my veins
Red streaks down my arm; The mark that still remains
Left home at an early age; For what I heard was wrong
Even when I asked forgiveness; But what I said is done?

Let my heart go.. Let your man grow
Honey let my heart go.. Or let this heart be still

Honey now where is my home; I'm not all you wished of me
But a woman's love for her man; Unspoken, help me be
I took your love for granted; And all the things you said to me
I need your arms to welcome me; But is a cold stone all I see?

Never I asked of you and never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness, that i'll take to my grave
Never I asked of you and never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness, that i'll take to my grave
So let this heart be still

(adapted from 'Mama Said' - Metallica)

Desolation

the line between rapture and agony is as thin as that between falling and flying.
efforts you are told rarely go to waste so you have to keep on trying and trying.
when all seems lost and seems nothing's left it's because there really is nothing.
the closer you are to having all the easier it becomes to lose every single thing.

if you hear indifference in the voice and the ice in the heart then it's really true.
you think and know she was really the one but you can wish until you turn blue.
look back on every little thing you did and said for every action gets its due.
space and time become elements of cold void and all you have to blame is you.

no matter how compatible all it takes is to succumb to that single bad stance.
feel all five stages of grief the denial anger bargaining depression acceptance.
sinking away in dejection drowning in alcoholic daze shredded by guilt's lance.
nothing to live for knowing that it might have been the one and only chance.

Forward

sometimes what seems like a loss is not a loss at all
when all seems lost there always remains a way forward
sometimes the hurt is not the feeling of hurt at all
no matter how much you hurt you have to look forward
sometimes you know the pain is not a bad pain at all
for the pain makes you stronger and come back forward
sometimes this indifference is not indifference at all
overcome the indifference the stronger we head forward
sometimes space away is not lost time and space at all
the space between us turns around and takes us forward
sometimes we don't try then we don't even try at all
but when we try together then we are carried forward
sometimes love from the soul is love that overcomes all
the love that binds our spirits and we move on forward

One

i lost myself, lost the person i used to be
the realization, then came and struck me
so pure, such a pure girl that you were
was i too late, too late this time for her

one chance, once more
one try again to adore

the feelings, she said they were no more
overcome, they wouldn't be like before
i broke down, but nothing seemed left
and my hope, it seemed all so bereft

one chance, once more
one knock at the door

these lights, that would never be relit
jigsaw puzzle pieces, they always fit
how do i, bring them all together again
i am, i am, the single epitome of pain

one chance, once more
one flight again we soar

trying but just can't get through to you
say the word, tell me what i should do
deep inside you know, that it's there
the feelings roaming lost somewhere

one chance, once more
one love just as before

and i'll sell my self-esteem, my soul
one dollar at a time, out of this hole
yes i'm selling my self, and my soul
for one word, one kiss and one love

Feel

yes he swore to love forever
but then never saw the red of blood
until he felt the cold steel
cut into him like nothingness itself
a love that lingered on and on
i don't care what they said about me
i cared what you felt about me
life has come this way turned my way
so she walked away in honesty
but my rapture all just fell to pieces
and my world was destroyed
cos of the way i had become this time

the sharp knife found arteries
tasted the tang of bitter blood spilled
gave me the pain the suffering
i swear i heard the voice of my jesus
but it was all too late this time
it was too late to save this man's blood
as it dripped red on the carpet
the life ebbed away in vain at 2.20 am
again and again i stabbed away
it left crimson trails slithering down
overcome by this helplessness
lifted another drink, cigarette and knife

slicing away this broken shell
cutting into the inner core until he cried
shivering with cold and shock
suffering the pain caused a hundredfold
plunging depths unkown to man
loving to a degree that ill becomes death
feeling the iron taste of blood
falling in my own eyes into the abyss
remembering the cold dread
believing that this indeed was the end
watching the red streaks
loving a love that was not nearly enough

Time

the heavy minutes of the day do not pass
two hands of the clock move as if pained
hours in between roil in a seething mass
hours faded away moments just waned
if i can't sleep with you beside me
i'd rather not sleep at all

sleepless eyes open to herald the dawn
rolling left rolling right attempt in vain
reliving everything that's said and gone
yet another attempt to hide the pain
if i can't wake with you beside me,
i'd rather not wake at all

the little things do not mean the same
without you there's nothing left to see
hope it's not gone and no one to blame
fervent desire another chance maybe
if i can't be me with you beside me,
i'd rather not be me at all

Light

there once was a Princess sitting by the edge of a forest, taking in the view over the rolling hills that lay ahead of her like a lush green carpet rucked up by passing feet. behind her the forest loomed dark and foreboding, as if daring one to enter. such a striking contrast the scene presented, the beautiful damsel framed by the gloomy forest. it was clear sky, a beautiful spring's day, but none of those sounds penetrated the thicket. suddenly, with the sound of crackling twigs and rustling leaves there hove to view a bedraggled figure of a man. cuts crisscrossed his face and weary were his shoulders. the Princess shuddered with distaste at his appearance, but he spoke gently.

"i seek the golden phoenix's eggs that lay deep in the forest beyond" he said. she perked up at the mention of this, for she too had heard the oft-retold tale, and wanted to know if it were but a myth. the Princess was completely taken by the explorer's words. he went back to the castle with her, where they spoke loud and long about their lives. they stayed together a while and were soon quite in love.

one fine morning he asked the Princess for leave, for he had a task to complete; he had not told the Princess that he had been cursed by a wayward witch, and would not live much longer without rubbing the fragment of egg-shell over his heart-spot, in the middle of his chest. strangely enough, the Princess had encountered this very same witch, and fallen prey to this very same curse as well. her ears perked up when he spoke of his search. she too wanted to join him, but her father, the King, would not let her go.

instead, she entrusted the explorer with her magic lantern, on condition he brought back an egg for her too. this lantern was called the Light of Love, and it's legend was told over the length and breadth of the land. as long as you nourished the lantern with little twigs, it would burn bright and guide you through the darkest coven. but if you ever neglected it, it would extinguish, and like a broken candle, could not be lit again. very proud and glad to be trusted, the wanderer left gallantly to seek the eggs.

the traveler made good progress into the thicket, hacking between the twigs and bushes, for there was no path in this forest. the lantern lit up the darkness, casting strong shadows away from the circle of light. by and by he reached further and further into the forest, carefully nourishing the lantern. as time went by, the explorer discovered that he could not seem to find the eggs, though there were various nests lying around. he started getting frustrated in his search, and ranted and raved to all the trees. and he started neglecting the lantern.

disregarded, the flame began to flicker. yet the traveller took for granted that it would stay lit. intermittently he fed the flames the twigs it required. but alas, one day in a fit of rage, drowning in desperation, he kicked at the trees hemming him in, and yelled at the lantern. with a slow sizzle, the flame went out. the Princess in her castle felt a sudden whoosh of wind, and knew that the lantern was extinguished. she was filled with rage, and felt her trust had been utterly betrayed. the explorer immediately realised what he had done, but coax it as he might, the lantern would not light again. for hours he sat in the pitch black, thinking about what he had done. he was filled with remorse and anguish, but that would not light the flame again.

gradually, a change came over him. a determination washed over his heart, that he would find the eggs again. he knew he had fallen far far beneath contempt in the Princess' eyes, and wanted to redeem himself. he had lost the person that he was, and his overconfidence had led him astray. but his determination to once again find himself, the jolly outlaw that the Princess had loved and cared for, drove him to seek again for the eggs in the black forest.

awash with the courage of change, he stumbled between the shrubs. cut by the springing branches and tripping over unseen roots snaking their way underfoot, he continued to search. he had renewed hope to live, and to find the eggs. with renewed vigor in his heart and mind, he crashed through the underbrush. he would find the eggs, or else die trying.

days and nights passed, but all were the same to the explorer in the forest, for no light broke the canopy of trees. it was an unending darkest hour for him as he struggled on. just when all seemed lost, and it seemed that he would be in the forest for an eternity or more, he caught a faint glow from the corner of his eye. as if in assent, the lantern that he still carried with him flickered for a second, for the Princess still thought of him, and bode him well and a safe return. he turned and made his way encouraged by the golden aura surrounding the eggs. at the nest he paused, and gave thanks to the powers that be, and to the Princess too for her faith.

the walk back was uneventful, as the eggs lit up the way. it gave the explorer much time to ponder upon the mistakes he had made, and how close he had come to losing everything. with a smile upon his lips, he hoped his Princess would forgive him his mistakes. and even more crucially, he prayed that she would trust him again, believe what he said about having changed.

from the forest he emerged triumphantly, half-expecting the Princess would be waiting for him with joy and open arms. but she was not there, and he knew she had been hurt. over the drawbridge and into the castle he trudged manfully, his presence unacknowledged. up the winding stone staircase, and to the Princess' chambers. gently he knocked on her door, and it swung open. all was eerily quiet, with no one around. confused, he placed the eggs wrapped in a sack upon her nightstand, and left. at the local tavern he stopped to have a pint of ale, where he heard the disquieting news that the whole hamlet had in fact gone to a neighbouring town to revel the night away for their Princess was to be betrothed to a knight.

dumbstruck and heartbroken the wanderer plodded miserably to the edge of the murky moat. he stared forlornly at the water, this was not how it was supposed to end. but the impudence of this peasant, condemned to a lifetime of a lowly existence, to dream that he could ever be with the Princess. slowly he sank to his knees on the stone lip of the dark moat, daring himself one final time to topple over the edge. whence suddenly his ear caught the swish of rick silk dresses and he turned to see the Princess walking toward him, bearing the two eggs in her caring hands, and a gentle smile playing upon her angel-like countenance.

Change

seeing with these eyes that have opened up to see the light
freeing with the mind he discovered happy again to be right
but time and again he had pinpricks to burn his conscience
sublime was her touch unerringly stable was her presence

kneeling by her side he begs a forgiveness they both desire
ceiling exists in hearts shut closed burned out by the fire
the head knows not the heart a love not ours to command
the dead inside brought to life touched by her magic wand

appealing to her better side something worth fighting for
repealing the delayed verdict on risking everything more
a cry of hope that friendship shall form aphrodite's base
a try that this change shall lead the way for better days

Cold

But i'm still here in the light of the love that we had that went wrong that had all the hallmarks of going right with two separate lives that had little in common but came together to create a rapture that would destroy the belief that things could go too fast and that it was possible to run faster than the wind dragging you back scattering the ashes from the fire that was lit by passion and fanned to raging flames which turned back and consumed two lovers who had all going for them but succumbed to the story of burn out that happens when the oxygen fuelling the inferno gets too much like how too much of a good thing ends up putting out what it nurtured in the first place

But you're not here where the icy hands of time slip down my back reminding me of another time almost another life when you shook like a leaf as my lips rained down upon your body which i cannot see now it's like i'm blind for my eyes are not mine any more as they refuse to see that anything else remains for me to do and to go on for and i can feel the clock's second hand wrapped around my neck slowly ticking away and draining yet another spurt of comfort that was ill-advised for one who lived in a glass house and yet dared to play with stones but this was nothing new the boy had always bucked the trend and created smoke where there was no fire although there would be no more of that this time

But i'm still here where i can see an infant born and dipped by his mother in the pool of invincibility but alas she held him by his heart and thus infallible is a mantle he can never carry and no matter how harsh the teacher of experience and spartan the diet of practicality he remains tainted and is bound to be felled to pieces by simple things that bring suffering and absolute horror this must be a tragedy of epic proportions the kind in the legends of yore which solidify the myth that happiness is but a fleeting illusion that slips through the fingers like a silk ribbon slides over cold marble but like all works in progress there might be an ending that shall indeed be best observed with the eye-glasses bearing a rose tint

None

The spring flush was characteristic. The flowers blushed and the grass smiled green. Life thronged the verdant valley and songbirds filled the cheery air with lush ballads. The sun shone down moistly at first, but later became stronger. As summer rolled around, the songbirds sang clearly, serenading the late hours in clear night skies. The smell of dried hay mingled with barbecue smoke and tinged the stars. But as months progressed, the nights grew shorter, and the sun covered itself in a crotchetted shawl of clouds. The wind picked up and cut right through to the bone. The songbirds no longer sang, as the driving gales speckled the landscape with white. No one knew what became of the songbirds. There were some, then there was one, and then there were none.

The sandy beach was characteristic. The moist salt-laden wind ruffled its smooth starry sand into a seaside erg, filled with little barchans. The barchan was a work of wonder, a wee crescent-shaped sand dune, with two mischievous horns curving away from the wind. And during the day as the wind turned, they playfully turned too. Like a schoolground full of children playing 'Simon says..'. As evening approached, the sun's glowing orb dimmed, and cast softer orange upon the shiny white sand. The sunset over the sea was always a thing of beauty, one that would calm even the savage beast. But not all was well with this picturesque scene. As the sea rushed back in with tidal urgency, it swallowed up all the little dunes. By the dozen they perished as the water levelled them to mere mortal sand. There were some, then there was one, and then there were none.

The sweet memory was characteristic. Your toothy smile was always omniscient, as you sat across me sipping your coffee, as you scrunched up against my shoulder and we watched 'Friends', as you lay beside me with your head resting on my arm staring into my eyes. Your full lips were inviting, drawing this sailor like a siren-song. The gentle curve of your nose like a water slide propelling me into freefall into the deep pools of light in your eyes. And we talked, and we laughed. We laughed about nothing and talked about anything. Then we talked about nothing and laughed about anything. All the time we kept building these little memories. Like little pinpricks of diamond light in the black cape of sky. But late at night, in the darkest hour when only the three witches that stirred the simmering cauldron were up and about, one by one these stars were snuffed out. In their place remained little black dots as visible as a missing button on a black coat. And yet the memories kept fading away. There were some, then there was one, and then there were none.

Moved

This blog has moved from here to here.

Offset

when the distance seems to increase with time
the days turn to nights that turn to blank space
nothing's wrong and yet everything's not fine
grating, like a pulled thread in a border of lace

the fire within still burns, lighting up the line
my fingers remember the curves of your face
cheeks tinged deep with the flush of red wine
beside me the bed empty, cold in your place

this feeling's not for everyone, can you define
what it means to feel this way without a trace
this enigma of being and yet not being mine
running hard but i cannot keep up this pace

what i want is not always what i can get
the gap is a void that's not always offset

Black

DISCLAIMER:
This blog usually only carries my work, but this is a special exception.
Sometimes life needs closure, ghosts of the past need to be buried, deeper than six feet under.
And then, and only then, can I move forward, and beyond the black.

Hey..
Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me, as her body once did
All five horizons revolved around her soul, as the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed, has taken a turn
Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything?
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything..

I take a walk outside, I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear
Ooh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass, of what was everything?
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything..

All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll ever be.. yeah..
Uh huh.. uh huh..

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be the star
In somebody else's sky, but why, why
Why can't it be, why can't it be mine
We, we belong together, we belong together
No, oh no, no, uh huh.

From "Black" - Pearl Jam

Figured

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favourite damn disease

And I love the places that we go
And I love the people that you know
And I love the way you can't say no
Too many shots lined in a row
I love the way you twitch your nose

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard, just to figure you out

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you're not impressed
While you put me to the test
I like the white stains on your dress

And I hate the way you pass the check
And I hate the good times that you wreck
And I hate your pretentious self-respect
While you pass out, what the heck
I love my hands around your neck

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard, just to figure you out

It took me a while, you always tried
But you're gone for good, this is it

Impassive

There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb

There are words, you are misreading
Sometimes things are not all in fun
You overwhelm with things you say
My head hears but I know not what it wants
The passion killed by flamed anger
The love buried under accusations
Is this how things were fated to be
I did what I could, you would not listen
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb

Intoxication

the spirit in you and the spirit in my glass come together as one. they whirl about like tiny tornados that tear up my halcyon world and toss it away like a child throwing a stick with gleeful abandon. words don't describe the energy you infuse in me, and the surge of life you inject into my calm demeanor whenever you come around.

i hold you close, and sip from your cup of love. rolling my tongue around the smooth silk, breathing deep the heady aromas that rise from the tumbler and go straight to the head. your alluring smile draws me into your mystical web, and ensnares me with velveteen, enveloping arms. your touch warms me from the inside, and cold fingers chase tiny shivers that grow into a rumbling quake that leaves me befuddled and bemused.

you engage me with electrifying fire, burning me up with passion and fuelling me to highs where there's only sheer white light, soft on the eye, and a rush to the blood. and just when we can't soar any higher, can't have any more, the bottom falls away and i dive down down into a clammy grey. arms spread wide and wind screaming past my ears i fly. the clouds come up to meet me in a tantalizing hurry, as if time were rushing out from a broken hourglass. i reach out and taste you again on a numb tongue and insensate mouth, an enthralling kiss getting lost in the midst of a swirl of flashing memories and luscious smiles. with a roar the surf breaks over me, and lands me on the beach, feeling the sand drawing away from between my fingers as the rip tide pulls away and another wave crashes into me.

on the euphoric plateau stern resolutions are waived, and promises meant to be broken are made. the more i have, the more i want. the tempting taste of you lingers in my hungry mind, and the unceasing desire to make more memories, to seize the unwilling day and rattle the placid night. the spirit is willing and the flesh submits again, yearning for platitudes to quiet the savage beast within.

i reach out my hand and touch you, drawing you closer. my rapt, spellbound gaze only broken as you lean into me, and hold up another glass.

Morning

i lie here awakened by the muted rays of the morning sun peeking gleefully through the blinds, dancing across the ceiling boards. you sleep on peacefully, nonplussed in your quiet dreams. i almost stop breathing so as not to disturb you tucked in cosily against the curve of my shoulder, arm draped across my chest. your naked arm is gently sculpted, more wax than stone, muscle tone slightly defined and skin velvet to touch. i raise my hand and run the outside edge of my thumb slowly up your arm, the back of your hand, the little bump on your wrist, sliding up the arm and the curve of your elbow.

is it so strange that when everything flies by us so fast and furious, that we seek each other to anchor in reality? when my crazy ideas have threatened to run wild you have reeled me in to see sense. when your unbounded ambition has started to soar away i have grounded you down to be real. is it really so strange that two people can understand each other so perfectly, yet not get along?

this morning is unique, yet mundane in its unprecedentedness, for there shall be no dawn like the one after the first night. in this light of daybreak we shall never see each other the same way again. you will forever be my first, and i always yours. and in that passage of night, we knew that everything had evolved, and yet nothing had changed. dare we really say that let whatever come, we will be one? who gives us the right to make such sweeping pronouncements of interminable proclamations with faces aglow and hearts alight?

you imperceptibly nudge into my thoughts, your serene face nuzzling into my neck and your sleepy lips whispering unintelligible words to the pillow fluffed up under me. like polaroids of life, the scene becomes a snapshot confined to history. i slide my fingers through your hair, unlocking the tangles of life's mysteries the night comes and hides as you sleep. as your eyes start to flicker with awakening, i wonder what dreams have been unfolding on the picture screen of your mind. but most of all i stare at your still-closed eyes, hoping to see your first look as you awaken.

every day we meet people, sometimes we meet new people, sometimes the same people. and in each meeting, like bodies in space swirling about and whirling with gravitational fields, we influence each other. we go through life looking to revolve near a planet that spins with us, whose moons sow the least discord and reap the most joy amongst our moons. i hold you tight, hoping that our moons have asserted themselves and come to an accord. so brown they must be true, your eyes slowly open. a reflection understood; one day there'll be no will left to fight, but for now we're gonna be alright.

Retrospect

i'm caught in your look, when i'm lost in the magic of your voice. sitting here on these steps, watching you talk, watching your lips move. the gentle curve where your upper lip puckers as it ripples in innocent mirth. people come and go around us, but you and i, we're swimming in our own private bubble of space and time. and you laugh. that fills me with a wondrous joy, emanating from an unknown core of my being, one that i never knew existed until you walked into my life.

the sun sets, sighing orange-red rays heralding the end of another long day, and bearing upon the gentle breeze the promise of night. conversation never fails us, for when tongues don't talk, they meet as if to welcome each other home. your hand slips into my shirt, seeking the safety that closeness brings us. your eyes are closed when we kiss, as you let yourself go and jump into the surf, where you see me already splashing in the waves. i've never hesitated to go anywhere, whenever you've wanted to come with me.

i spend so much of my time just gazing at you, answering a million times why you are the one. the flush in your high cheeks, the way you wink and hold me. each finger extended in a perfect syllable, your whole hand a sonnet, and your body an ode to beauty. lying here by your side, my hands gently sliding across your flat belly, raking it occasionally with my calloused fingers, just to hear your laugh as it tickles. the trees cast long shadows that ripple and roll over you. i breathe gently upon your navel, and watch as the goosebumps hustle for space upon the fair velvet of your skin.

in the dark stillness of the night, is the sound of a single breath, as two bodies in perfect harmony play notes hitherto undiscovered in the grand symphony of the cosmos. fingertips touch and travel, seeing and talking as if each curve were etched in braille. a short gasp here, a slow moan there, as the music slowly fades out, and nocturnal sounds come back to plug the holes of nothingness in space. i hold you close, tight, just the way you like it when i do.

at times, insecurities and priorities, responsibilities and culpabilities, all rear up like a four-headed dragon intent on breathing fire on the tranquil meniscus of a stable relationship. alas, we considered every possible thing but one - ourselves. time plods on steadily, sometimes we go through the machinations, sometimes the passion is reignited. but it does feel that daylight has slipped a couple of rays in between us. and we are drifting, not always being able to hold on to each other. time changes everything.

i never really understood you anyways. you never really loved me anyways.

Storm

the day has been fervent and humid, the night air still and laden with expectation. fan-blades strain in a vain attempt to stir a cool current, but your skin is still sizzling where it touches mine. your hands eager, your lips feverish, and your desire rampant. two sweaty bodies intertwine slickly in the sweltering heat seeking a higher level of carnal consciousness.

single strands of your hair lie plastered onto my chest as your livid tongue licks litle trails. in the darkness, i can sense you more than see you. you lie back, taking shallow breaths, as i lay my hand on your flat belly, and rake it gently, feeling it rise and fall. teeth nibble at my ear, and fingers lose themselves in my hair. the ambient trance plays on, as i inhale your scent and feel you unwind under my touch.

at last a cool breeze comes wafting by the window, carrying the promise of rain and mitigated comfort. i raise my head and look at you. in the darkness, your nod is imperceptible, but your hand upon mine is unmistakable. you lay back and sigh, as another draft raises little goosebumps on your skin. "yes, there.." you whisper, as i alternately kiss, then blow. your hips buck, you tug at my hair, and it starts to rain.

fat drops patter against the window as you pull me into yourself, hands encircled behind my back. the window lights up as a streak of lightning rushes to meet the earth, and i see your eyes tightly clenched shut, in anticipation of the bolt that will come crashing. i hold you tight, and you know that there's nothing to be afraid of. you moan as the thunder rumbles away in the faraway skies like a boulder starting to roll down a scraggy slope. the rain beats a staccato rhythm against the glass pane, matching each thrust and parry. and the heavens pour down.

the temperature falls noticeably, but fires continue to rage unabated. the rain and the music drown out all other sound, as we roll towards the cliff. tongues wrestle in unspoken unison as we sail off the edge and into nothingess; i can only hear blood rushing through my ears. another bolt of lightning, another whipcrack of thunder, and you bury your face into my shoulder. i kiss you on the forehead, and hold you closer, feeling more than hearing the sheets of rain carrying us away in their soothing embrace.

Night

i have three elements to my night. the stillness, a breeze, and you. an empty canvas stretching away in the darkness of time, to be filled by the solitude of the night's silence, fuelled by a gust of hope in the name of a breeze, followed by the firm yet gentle touch of your hand on my shoulder. yes, this shoulder is big enough to carry all your problems, as the years have told you.

lying on the ground, the black velvet dome of the night sky spattered randomly by little dots of white with ever-changing crystalline edges, an ever-growing bubble of empty thought through which memories made and memories to be made zip across like little cars with little people in them, rushing to get to their little jobs, to make little money, do little things and find little happiness. and i feel your bubble bumping mine, sometimes urging and sometimes asking. sometimes it feels strange to be all alone, but not quite alone, and yet still alone.

under cover of darkness, your eyes bore into mine, and mine into yours, asking questions that were never meant to be asked. and from your voice, and the way your lips feel on mine, and the curve of your cheek against my palm, i wonder what your face is like. the words you say trickle and gather in my mind, and sparkle like light spring rain puddling on dry, cracked earth. your hands meet happily around my back, your head blissfully resting on my chest. in the tranquil vigil of a hushed night, your spellbound breathing matches my becalmed pulse, a lone drummer playing his metronomic mezzo-staccato beat.

after the glaring accusations that daylight points at us, we seek refuge in night's folds, starcrossed by the anxious, probing eyes of those who bear us ill-will. in the detachment of the darkness, when we walk down the dusty streets, winds whistle our names in rebel songs. and though the sounds of the night should make us anxious, it's really much too late when the fear is gone. often we fight, wary that our bubbles not get too close, yet even more often we hold each other close, content in the seclusion of night that we are afforded everyday.

in the appraising light of day we try not to be judgemental, and accept that we are what we are. the aura around you envelops me in a very different lustre during the day. the beguiling approach of sunset comes as a pain balm soaking through the dull, lifeless pain. and by the time night has completely covered the proceedings, we hold each other close, and smile again. i kiss you a gentle goodnight, and lay back to look into the obsidian quartz sky, your arm on my chest, the scent of your floral shampoo filling my bubble, our hearts talking to each other in a hitherto unknown pulse language, making up for another day gone by in almost anarchic indecision.

Tranquility

the serrated mountain-tops cut the clouds in the distance, as if reaching through the cottony white for the skies above. the mountains are a dark band, laid against the pale blue skies. the snows are melting, exposing the darker rock beneath. nature has a way of making me feel very small, and you have a way of making me feel big again. snuggled against me, your head against my shoulder, we sit quietly, looking at the vista around us. the silence speaks a thousand words, each word whispering a different story, and a different time, of you and me. a smile plays on your lips, loving the solitude here, you and me lost in our own world.

at this high altitude, the panorama is heart-stirring. far below us is a long, winding road, stretching out on both sides as far as the eye can see. i know at one end of the road is this old-fashioned bakery, with little scones that melt in your mouth, and hot breads that line the windows, filling the air with their freshly-baked scent. we sat on the wooden tables outside there yesterday, watching the pats of home-made butter and fresh honey trickle down the slices of bread, and gobbling up mouthfuls. then, you fed the squirrels and birds, while i regaled you with silly tales of cats and dolphins who were friends! and as we ambled along the road, i picked you fresh spring daisies that grew in clumps, pretty against the verdant green of the grass and the trees on one side, and the grey and dusty dirt road on the other.

running along the road some distance away is a clear brook, coming straight down from the mountains, as it trickles and ripples over the smooth white pebbles which make the stream bed. it's early spring, and ice crystals still bespeckle the sparkling water, catching the sunlight and splitting it into a myriad rainbows. i snapped away with my camera, as you sat among the rocks there, alternately pouting and giggling with glee. the tall mountains looked upon us silently, benign smiles from their crags and cliffs, it's almost as if we seek their approval.

your lips are hungry against mine, your tongue alive. i breathe deep, and feel you filling me, completing me. your hands are in my hair, your eyes close in rapt bliss. the bunch of daisies lying on the rug bear witness to our passion, their yellow eyes smiling at us. i trail a white petal on your cheek and trace the little dimple there. i raise myself, and tease your lips with the petal. the velvety softness of it raises goosebumps as slowly it skims against the soft white skin of your neck. i reach down to kiss the goosebumps on your chest, as they run wild. once again your hands are in my hair, but this time, they're asking, urging. you exhale slowly, almost afraid that the moment shall escape, but you know that it shall forever remain in memory.

later, we lay back, recovering in each other's arms, and look at the logs making up the ceiling. dark grain running one way, lighter the other. your head on my chest, as you snuggle tighter against me, pulling the dark blue fleece blanket around us. a slightly fruity whiff of your shampoo in the air, and the musky heat of two bodies in earnest conversation. i reach down to kiss your forehead, as you turn to look into my eyes, a look with a million thoughts of an eternity together. you turn around, and reach up to me, and i taste coffee on your lips, coffee with a hint of chocolate, just the way you like it.

again at night we sit on the bench, huddled together as the slight breeze still bears testament to a winter just passed. the curving crescent of the early moon wan against the striking view that unfolds in front of us, paling into nothingness against the radiance of your happy smile as you sit here, ensconcing yourself in me. white stars far far away, grazing like sheep on the black velvet of the night's sky. vapour rises from the cap of the thermos, and as you sip the coffee slowly, the puffs of steam from our breath entwine into one, wrapping this moment into yet another timeless memory.

The Room

a butterfly smile flits across your face, hovering above your full petal lips, sipping delicately from the nectar of your tongue as it writhes around mine. it's hot in the room, and a slight flush creeps slowly from your cheekbones down to the curves where your jawbones disappear deliciously towards your neck. an idle hand plays in your long straight hair, sliding down the loose strands straying across your face as the fan gusts warm drafts chasing each other round and round the room. you look at me as we kiss, your kohl-rimmed eyes boring into mine. the eyes of longing, of a hunger that cannot be sated by the mere meeting of two lustful bodies. a thirst that will not be slaked in this life or the next. a want that became a need.

you love it when i tease, you need it almost. you look almost homely in my old white school shirt, the top two buttons undone, and nothing underneath. i pull off a long black hair from the shirt collar, and run it imperceptibly over your cheek. you flinch gently as it tickles a trail over your face. you impudently nip at my ear lobe, and whisper throatily "spank me, i'm a bad girl!". i laugh at that, while you lift the shirt tail and lay across my lap. you turn around to look at me, wiggling your curvy bottom saucily, and i can't help but laugh even louder! you want it real bad, i can see that, but i'm not gonna give it to you! i have to stop laughing eventually as your greedy lips find mine and we roll around, a white shirt and black boxers in a tumble dryer.

we live like two bohemians in this room, the once-whitewashed walls are now covered in swathes of red, blobs of yellow, words of black and clouds of blue. we make gentle love, drink dry chardonnay and i paint sunflower fields at sunset. we go at it like animals in heat, smoke camel turkish royals and i paint alice in chains lyrics. at night we light pine-scented candles, imagine ourselves in a forest with the star-spangled night sky above for a blanket, and watch our shadows intertwine with wispy smoke trails on the walls. we eat raspberries dipped in vanilla ice cream, that stain our fingers and lips red. i play with creating red stains on your creamy skin, and marvel how different cool ice cream tastes when slathered over your hot sweaty belly.

and when you cannot take it any more, i hold you by the hair and yank your head up to kiss your lips until they turn blue, and your moan turns into a hoarse scream. in the corner where two walls meet the floor, sitting on the couch, standing against the door and lying on the rug under the window where the sun rays pour in to herald another dawn. who would ever want to leave the room?

Journey, redux

i'm sitting here on the upper berth, back against the divider, feet up on the empty seat adjacent. i haven't sat here like this since the last time i was here with you. it's been over four years actually. somehow i can't shake the memory, seeing you stretched out lazily on the bunk. the emotions it provokes are still strong. they make me feel as if i've been an accomplice to a beautiful crime. and despite the four years past, i can still see your sinuous curves curled up on the seat, head resting on my lap, and your hungry lips pouting, wanting, needing to kiss me.

there is a certain comfort level to intimacy that you reach after a time, when nothing is hurried. its almost lazy how slowly we touch each other. you look at me coyly, wink then bite your forefinger. you're such a temptress at times, pulling it off with such innocent naivete. i trail a naughty fingernail down from your gentle chin, the curve of your creamy neck, to the hollow between your collarbones. a small sigh escapes your lips. i exhale there gently, and your arms scissor around my neck and pull me down.

i look around the train, and nothing seems to have changed. same seat, same windows, same food and drink being hawked. only one difference though. i've changed. maybe you grew up quicker than i did then, but now i've moved on, moved up, moved to better things, i hope. i remember something i wrote a while ago:"you're only as good as your past allows you to be. the past means nothing if you don't learn from it. my past means nothing, for i have learned nothing. it's been a bittersweet discovery that i am what i am, and that's that - nothing changes."i'm not sure i still believe that.

your hands are around my neck, pulling, asking, desiring. you raise your head off my lap, and there we stay, staring into each other's eyes. no doubts, worries or cares, its just you and me. the world comes to a sudden standstill, and the train's side-to-side rocking ceases to exist, as our lips meet. you play with my earlobe, as your tongue darts left and right, flicking and running away from mine. my finger traces little figure-8's on your flat belly, and that flips a switch. your teeth mash against mine, as we kiss, hard.

the bunk is small by any standards, but it seems desolately empty now as i lie here, alone, staring at the rivets in the ceiling. the sheets are all railway issue, plain white with a single blue stripe. i remember the cream-colored bedsheet, with little blue and green flowers, as we lay under it whispering great intellectual debates and matters of environmental importance. my heartbeat feels louder with your head pressed to my chest. i play with your little ringlets, little wild ringlets. i tug at one and your eyes fly open in surprise. there's mock outrage in your growl as your mouth comes up looking to bite. instead i grab your head, as we kiss, again.

i don't know how long we lay there, under the sheets, giggling away to my inane (insane?) jokes like a pair of perfect potheads. perfect pair, ah yes, that's right - we were the perfect pair. you are a drug for me. without you, i start craving for you. with you, i am as high as the skies above. and with too much of you it dulls the rush. interesting. with your chin on my chest, you look at me. you're gently mouthing the words to eric clapton's "you look wonderful tonight.." my ears strain to catch your breathy voice, and i close my eyes, hearing the song. a little later i open my eyes and i'm still here, same bunk, same train rocking, but there's no you.

Control

The streetlights are a pale yellow-orange frame in the darkness behind me. I lay here looking up at you change. As you stand there in your nightshirt, i see you staring at me, but i hold my gaze unbroken, then you look down. You stand at the end of the bed, looking down, hands folded in front of you. There's silence, occasionally a faraway car horn wafts by in the night's stillness. You kneel on the bed, sitting on your feet, hands still locked together. Finally you look up, and i can see the innocence of letting-go in your eyes. At this point, you can, and will do absolutely anything for me, but not yet. That is yet to come.

I'm sitting propped up by the pillows, watching your fingers shake slightly as you unbutton the nightshirt you're wearing. The yellow neon from the window suffuses your face with a glow. You bite your lower lip, and lean forward to kiss my chest. Your hands are cold, and you raise goosebumps on my arms and legs. My hands are interlocked behind my head, as your open hair covers my belly; tingling sensations as single hairs travel over places you've sloppily kissed. It might be cold outside, but i see little sweat droplets bead up on your forehead. Your touches bring hot rushes of blood, then cold as little drafts gently drifting inside the room settle.

'Enough' i whisper, and sit up straight. You use the back of your hand to wipe your flushed face, then try to pull back all your hair from where sweat has stuck it to your bare shoulders. I don't even have to say anything, as you lie back, eyes firmly closed. I hold your hand in mine, fingers intertwined, leaving your other hand free to roam. My dark shadow hovers on the wall, over your prostrate form, like a vampire poised to strike. I'm looking intently at your face as i breathe gently on your vulnerable, exposed neck. Your eyelids flutter like the wings of a trapped butterfly as each breath brings promise of contact, and each time there's none.

I'm holding your hand, and it guides me, but again, i don't touch. Just the thought that i'm so close is already causing your breathing to go haywire, as your chest rises and falls dramatically. Your free hand is scrambling frantically, like grasping at sliding stones rolling down a hill. Your eyes are scrunched up as tightly as they can, as i blow gently again, and you're panicking wondering where i'll be next.

A little more of this and your head is thrashing from side to side like a beached fish, blood rushing to your face and your breathing like punctuated gasps of gunfire. Finally i say 'Yes', and relief floods your features. Like the passing of a storm cloud, only to be hit by a tornado. Both your hands are scrabbling in my hair, holding my head down as your legs kick out, beating out a manic tattoo in sync with your breathing.

For a second your back arches violently, the damp sheets sticking to you. You scream. A primeval, guttural noise that escapes your lips, reverberates across the room, and is lost in the midnight sky outside. You fall back onto the bed, and your whole body unwinds like a released spring as you exhale noisily.

I go back to my sitting position, as you try to regain semblances of your usual composure. You lean over and kiss me on the lips, mumbling a 'Thank you'. You seem almost confident, and all traces of shyness have disappeared. Yet now you definitely know that you will do absolutely anything for me. That brings a smile to my face.

Road

the road is a strip of black, stretching away endlessly into nothingness. yet we walk on, into a blank future. it's like tomorrow is a whiteboard, stark and empty. and today, we seek here and there, for a marker, any colour.. to write something on this board. everyone wants to make a mark. someone wants to write his name, someone wants her picture on the board. you and i, we're different. we're the serene few that seek nothing from life. in these halcyon days, if you let us be we will let all be. blissfully we walk on.. reaping what time has given us. eternal youth. and even time cannot take that away from us, nor society, nor death. inside us burns that immortal lamp, the flame of nirvana. forever young, forever alive. and we walk on.

i look around the sides of the road. desolation. a parched earth with cracks criss-crossing it, as if in a silent scream to the skies above, a noiseless cry for life-giving water. that is us, always seeking external divination, praying for some miracle. and rain it does, but the rain is different for all. some get joy from the twin-lights of arts and science, others are blessed with divine bliss. some take respite in intoxication, preferring to voluntarily cut the chords that tie them down. and yet others barge on, mindless that there may be something to life after all. higher than the motor functions of eating, reproducing and dying. i shake my head and grit my teeth, determined to walk on.

every time i feel i'm losing my focus, i see you. framed against the evil skyline, your innocent profile. and yet the wicked wind dares not blow closer. the two of us together vanquish all ahead of us. the harsh sun softens as it falls on your face, and it fuels your smile. you have an honest smile, as your lips pucker at the ends. a pearl glow glints out of a corner, and i raise a finger to touch you. the supple skin on your cheeks. my finger traces the curve of your lip, and a naughty tooth nips my fingertip. you burst out laughing at the sudden look of consternation on my face! its a rich, happy laugh. a laugh that tells how much you live life, and watch sadly how others trudge and stumble through it. and yet, right at the end of the laugh, almost unnoticeable, was a sigh. a sharp gust of breath. yes, it is a sigh. a sigh that speaks of undreamed dreams, and unperceived pain. alas, angst has reared it's head in this hard-earned earthly paradise.

what does angst look like? what does your angst look like? when you close your eyes, what colour lashes out at your eyelids, as you stare at the blackness inside? violence and anger scream red, but black is feigning dead. drugs and alcohol throw yellow, but blue is a dull glow. but you force your eyes open, telling yourself to live. willing yourself to live. for there is no one as important to you in your life as yourself. and we talk, and we walk.

and throughout the walk of life, are flashes of brilliance. you are my brilliance. you see me staring at you, and you burst out giggling. then shyly you come closer, snuggling your pert little nose against my shoulder. i breathe in your scent. the hint of jasmine in your hair. the touch of cream on your cheeks. the tang of salt and the sweet of honey. curling locks blow into my face, and streak across my eyes. they tame the glare of the sun. your fingers are interlocked behind my back. i can feel all ten fingers pressed against my shirt. you feel secure, and i feel strong. i try to talk but i can't seem to form words to say, i try to walk but i can't seem to find legs to stay.

so we walk on, perfectly happy, and probably about to be perfectly hurt sooner or later. nothing lasts forever, and we all die young. but despite all that we walk on, having learned what we have, that we should set the controls for the heart of the sun.

Hospital

it's a humid afternoon, and i'm in the workshop; the viscous pump i'm designing is frustrating, as there are a lot of grooves to be milled. my cellphone goes off in my jeans, wiping my sweaty brow i answer. i hear your voice, and the word 'hospital'. almost in slow motion, i drop everything and take off running. a lab-tech yells out at me as i swing past him, making him drop the toolbox he's carrying, "sorry" i shout, already out of the big double doors of the workshop.

i run up to the empty nurse's station in emergency, gasping desperately i flip through the record book and see your name and the room number. ward 6. still running, i come flying into the room. your pale, pretty face manages a weak smile. all i can see is a jumble of tubes and wires. i'm confused, tense, worried, but i have to act strong here, especially when i see your face. you look scared, little worry-lines running across your brow, your lips drawn together in a tight line, as every breath you take is a laboured achievement. your girlfriends sitting around look equally worried. the doctor finishes his stethoscope examination, and gestures to me to see him outside. he tells me it's seasonal, usually not a big thing, but only that you have had a pretty bad attack, and breathing will be a bit tough for the next few days. if there is no change in the next few days, then surgery might be required. this is devastating. i assure him that i'll be here, and you'll get better. you need bed-rest he says, little does he know the kind of active, 100 mph life you lead!!

sitting here beside you, i read you short stories from Roald Dahl's 'Tales Of The Unexpected', doing my best to try make you smile, making comic impressions. we look out of the open windows, at the fading light outside. nature is at it's best early in the morning, and late in the evening. your head is on my shoulder, while i gently rub your back, trying to make breathing a little easier for you. you laugh again as two birds fly past the window, twittering away to glory! the sun finally sets, and all is quiet outside; all is quiet inside the hospital too. occasionally, a nurse walks past, her heels click-clacking on the tiled floor of the corridor. this is probably the first time we have had so much peace and quiet in our lives for the last month or so. mentally i berate myself for all the things we should have done and seen. never again will i postpone what we have today, for who knows if we shall have it tomorrow?

i hear you calling out my name in a little voice, i wake up with a jolt. all is dark, and just a little blue glow from the nightlamp illuminates the rest of the room. your lips are dry, and throat rasps with each breath you take. the glass of water is already in my hand before you even ask for it. you drink in little gulps, letting every sip of it swirl around in your mouth. i kiss you on your forehead, and pull the chair closer. you don't feel like sleeping, and ask me to read to you again, you like it when i do that. so there i start, rambling on and on, and when i look up after some time, your eyes are shut, your breathing much more peaceful and a little smile playing on your lips. your hand still in mine, i lay my weary head on the bed.

i'm woken by a gentle kiss on my upturned cheek. startled, i jump up to see you standing beside the bed, already dressed! the doctor's checked, and everything's normal again. you can leave the hospital, but you should still rest. your bubbly laughter fills the room along with the morning light. even the pale blue walls seem less foreboding than when we'd come in yesterday. you're a fighter honey, and i love that about you! we go out the door of the hospital, and step out into the crisp morning air, looking up into the blue sky with white wisps stringing across it. it's a new day, and we take new steps into the world ahead of us, together.

Rain